Haverhill people write own obituaries (2024)

HAVERHILL — The old adage "if you want something done right, do it yourself'' applies to a class taught by retired long-time Haverhill Gazette reporter Tom Vartabedian.

Upwards of 30 people, most in their 60s and older, showed up at the Citizens Center recently to learn how to write their own obituaries.

Vartabedian has what it takes to teach this free three-part class. He has spent 50 years with the Gazette covering every beat and writing hundreds of "super-obits," or special tribute obituaries. He bases each one on a person whose life he wants to highlight beyond what was said in their official obituary.

For Vartabedian, the idea to teach the class arose out of his unexpected confrontation with gastro-intestinal cancer that was diagnosed in February.

"I was distraught and thought about how the rest of my life would go and what I could do with whatever time I had left," he said.

Around the same time that he was discussing a course of action with his doctor, Vartabedian got a call from Kathy Bresnahan, activities coordinator with the city's Council on Aging. She told him she had received several inquiries from senior citizens who wanted to write their own obituaries, but didn't know how to go about it.

"Nothing I wrote made as big an impact on readers than the obituaries I wrote," Vartabedian said. "It's a legacy people leave behind ... a celebration of their life."

About 20 people showed up at his first class. They said they didn't want to leave anything to chance when it came to their final arrangements.

"Many people prearrange their funerals, but not their obituaries," Vartabedian said. "For myself, I didn't want to leave the job to anyone in my family, especially when they are in a distraught state of mind and might be careless.

"I wanted time to think clearly and be very deliberate in what I wrote," he said.

About 30 people showed up at his second class, during which he covered some of the same topics as the first class. He told his students to consider three main points: Not to exclude any survivors, to include military service if any, and to list civic and community involvement and affiliations, in addition to biographical information such as parents, where a person grew up and what schools they attended.

"And don't forget to list any memorial contributions so that people can donate in lieu of flowers," he said. "And pick out a photograph that you like."

Vartabedian, 75, advised his students not to write a "novel,'' because newspapers charge per inch of text. He suggested about 800 words as a reasonable length.

"You have to be prudent and not get into too much detail, but you also want to give people an idea of the kind of life you had and are leaving behind," he said. "Include things you feel are significant and which might inspire others, such as having volunteered at a soup kitchen, as well as any awards you feel are important."

Vartabedian told his students it was a coincidence that among the many awards he received, the American Cancer Society's Sword of Hope Award stood out.

"Ironically, cancer is what's going to kill me," he said.

During his final class, his students presented draft versions of their obituaries, which Vartabedian universally praised while offering a few tips on tidying things up and filling in some blanks. He told the group to have their work proof-read by a family member just in case they might have excluded something of importance.

Ninety-six-year-old Tess Barnaby showed up for the final class, saying she decided it was time.

A Lawrence native, Barnaby said she wanted to leave her eight children, 16 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren with a lasting memory of her life.

"I should have come before," she said to a welcoming group of fellow obituary writers.

Marjorie (Takesian) Walukevich, 90, a lifelong resident of Haverhill, noted in her obituary that she was the mother of the late Michael Walukevich, a noted Haverhill High School runner and a Haverhill police officer.

"My daughter in California suggested I write my own obituary," she said.

She spoke briefly about her son and Vartabedian told her to include more, reminding her that Michael broke ground when, on the police force, he set up a cultural exchange program with the USSR.Vartabedian told her to include the fact that her son stillholds the high school's one-mile record.

"You can absolutely mention that without risk of slighting your other children," Vartabedian said.

Kathleen McCharron Poole, 84, told the group that she wanted to be remembered as the "Hat Lady" of Haverhill for her work knitting hats for members of the military and other groups.

"As I read it, I thought I was saying just too much about myself," Poole said.

Vartabedian suggested Poole include the fact that in 1971, her daughter, Sharon Poole, was the first girl in the country to play Little League baseball.

"You have to include that," Vartabedian said. "Your daughter made history."

Kalister Green-Byrd, 81, said she struggled with writing her own obituary because she felt she was boasting about her life. Born in Decatur, Alabama, the second-oldest of 14 children, Green-Byrd noted in her obituary that she was the first African American woman to be appointed to the Haverhill Housing Authority Board of Directors by the governor of Massachusetts.

"Something is blatantly missing, and that's the awards you received, including being named Woman of the Year," Vartabedian said. "Isn't that worth mentioning?"

Nancy Dickey, 75, interjected a bit of humor into her obituary by saying she "died unexpectedly on ... but was expecting to live to be 100."

Dickey's obituary spanned three typewritten pages, which Vartabedian considered lengthy — but he praised her for including some family history. She noted in her obituary that she traced her family's roots back to Symond Bradstreet (1491-1556), who was the great-great-grandfather of Simond Bradstreet (1603-1697), the first governor of the English colony in Boston and the husband of Anne Bradstreet, the first female American poet.

"Excellent," Vartabedian proclaimed.

Ralph Wightman, 87, told the group that he's wanted to write his own obituary for quite some time.

"When my wife passed away, my granddaughter wrote her obit and it was six inches long and didn't say anything," said Wightman, a retired U.S. Navy veteran who served on several different aircraft carriers. "I wanted to get mine right."

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