Puns of the Weak 07-04-03 (2024)

PUNS OF THE WEAK: For the week ending 07-04-03

IN THE NEWS

An Iraqi scientist Wednesday showed U.S. troops nuclear materials he
buried in his back yard under a rose bush. It had to happen. You know
this president is leading a charmed life when nuclear materials are
discovered in Baghdad by Rose Bush. (Argus Hamilton)

The U.S. birthrate fell to an all-time low last year according to the
government. Experts cite three reasons-- abstinence programs, access to
birth control, and less pressure on men in the last two years to keep up
with the president. (Argus Hamilton)

A blind psychic in Germany claims he can tell people's future by feeling
their naked buttocks. I believe this is called 'asstrology. (Jay Leno)

The House of Commons, voting against government wishes, banned all fox
hunting with dogs in Great Britain Monday. The hunters wear bright red
coats and they ride around in the woods. It's the same camouflage that
cost them thirteen colonies. (Argus Hamilton)

American Airlines announced the layoff of three thousand flight
attendants on Tuesday. The union was staggered. It's the most number of
flight attendants laid off at one time since Frank Gifford and Kathie
Lee renewed their wedding vows. (Argus Hamilton)

It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble"
aboutthe economy. The price of thoroughbreds has watched Wall Street's
gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994
werefetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent
declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect
stable prices. (Daily Groaner)

The White House said Tuesday the administration is weighing requests to
send U.S. troops to the western coast of Africa to settle a civil war in
Liberia. The president has a soft spot in his heart for the place. His
wife used to be a liberian. (Argus Hamilton)

In a speech last week, president Clinton complained that the Bush
Administration is erasing all of his accomplishments. Today, the Bush
Administration replied all they did was steam clean the rug in the oval
office. (Conan O'Brien)

Coca-Cola acknowledged yesterday that employees manipulated the results
of a market test of Frozen co*ke at Burger King restaurants. When the
tests appeared to be going poorly, co*ke officials paid $10,000 to a
Virginia man to falsely inflate the test results in Frozen co*ke's favor.
The $10,000 was paid out of a slush fund. (Conrad Macina)

Those seeking to destroy "traditional" marriage celebrated another
victory in Vermont recently, as plural marriages joined hetero- and
same-sex marriages as being legally permitted under state law. Among the
first to seek a new plural weeding license were the partnership of
Saturday Night Live humorist Jack Handy, 'Lil Abner cartoonist Al Capp,
retired talk show host Jack Paar, and horror novelist Stephen King.
Critics say that the Handy-Capp-Paar-King marriage is simply a bid for
specially-recognized social status. (Randall Woodman)

One of Snoop Dogg's crew who was arrested the other night at the Black
Entertainment Awards was an agent of the Federal Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco, and Firearms. Apparently, his job was to make sure that Snoop
Dogg had enough alcohol, tobacco, and firearms. (Jay Leno)

A guy in Austin, Texas has started a company to clone beloved cats and
dogs. He calls the firm "Genetic Savings & Clone" (Ken Pinkham)

According to a recent survey, 25% of women believe that Martha Stewart
does all her own housework. Martha said today she'll like to know who
these women are and get them on her jury. (Jay Leno)

Arnold Schwarzenegger was begged by fans Friday to run for governor.
However, there are naked bodybuilding photos of him, bimbo eruptions are
rumored, and his dad was an SS soldier in Nazi Germany. In short, he
offers something for every major voting bloc in California. (Argus
Hamilton)

The Milwaukee Bucks refused Michael Jordan's bid to buy the team Sunday.
It's for the best. With Michael Jordan's history of gambling and
womanizing and going to strip bars, he is wasting his life if he doesn't
become a college football coach. (Argus Hamilton)

Last week in Manhattan, President Bush attended a fund-raiser and the
crowd began yelling, Four more years. Apparently, the crowd was
guessing how much longer we would be looking for weapons of mass
destruction. (Conan O'Brien)

HOLIDAY PUNS

Id say, May the fourth be with you, but this is July.

In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the
flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.

I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he
was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the
fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make
some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were
people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to
demonstrate them for him. "Not here!" they said. Very confusing. Until
ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of
Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very
impressed! But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week,
people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to
launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch
their fireworks. Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set
off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"

Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."

Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?
He was a Yankee doodler! (Mike K.)

It was a hot summer's day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few
beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the Fourth of July. He was
waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.
Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from
her appointment with the obstetrician. Her examinations were cheap
because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the
appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he
saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the
side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got
there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan's kin,
Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.

Patrick Henry said. Give me liberty or give me death, His wife said,
Youll drop dead before you get a divorce from me. (Joey Adams)

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!

What did Washington say as he crossed the Delaware?
"Next time I'm going to reserve a seat!"

What dance was very popular in 1776?
Indepen-dance!

Vampires from all over the world gather each fall deep in the forests of
Transylvania to renew their commitment to their calling. Here, in what
they call their neck of the woods, they reverently view the scroll,
written and signed in blood, which contains their history and lists
their rites and responsibilities. Then, at midnight, they stand at
attention and swear allegiance to the Draculation of Vein Dependence!

My mother's sisters are both incontinent, but they don't let it get them
down. Every year, around this time, they host an in Depends aunts day
celebration.

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great
country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in
this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her
from the back of the room.He stood with his hands on his hips and said,
"I'm not free. I'm four."

What ghost haunted King George III?
The spirit of '76!

A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta
where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the
United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list
everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made the declaration of
Indian pendants.

An animal trainer was working with a young seal for a new show at the
local zoo. The seal was taught to listen to and obey commands like: "In
low end and jump!"or "On rock and stay!" The seals favourite command was
however: "In deep end and stay!"

Teacher: "The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.
True or false?"
Student: "False! It was written in ink!"

Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"
Student: "On the bottom!"

JEST FOR KIDS

How did the boy get Egyptian flu?
He caught it from his mummy! (Cameron, 10)

Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he is a squealer. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why was the mother flea so sad?
Because her children were going to the dogs. (Kid's Jokes)

Why did the music student bring a ladder to class?
Because the teacher asked him to sing higher. (Rogello, 10)

What happened to the thief who stole a calendar.
He got twelve months (Mike Bull)

What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you! (Nichole, 12)

Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted. (Pastor Tim)

What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block (Jim Ertner)

What language does a billboard speak?
Sign language! (Jerry, 13)

What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?
Bored! (Ashley, 12)

What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer?
One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh. (Jim Ertner)

What kind of person is fed up with people?
A cannibal. (Kid's Jokes)

What did the lamp say when it was turned off?
I'm delighted (Yahooligans)

Did you hear about the dog whose tail was cut off in a meat grinder?
The owner had to wholesale it, since he couldn't retail it. (Lederer & Ertner)

What would happen if you swallow uranium.
you will get atomic ache (Pun of the Day)

Why did the window see the doctor?
It was having window panes! (Kerra, 12)

Did you hear about the dog that chased cars?
He ended up exhausted. (Lederer & Ertner)

What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up. (Douglas Helsel)

Where do smart butters go?
On the honor roll! (Tia, 10)

What kind of dog tells time?
A watchdog (Ala, 4)

See Also

Mineral Weight Loss Gummies - Entruskin

A pharmacist gave the wrong prescription, which was a bitter pill to
swallow (Pun of the Day)

The prison maintenance worker drilling a channel for electrical wire
exclaimed he had a boring job. His assistant suggested, "Let a conduit."
(Gill Krebs)

In 1881 The first 40,000 story building opened. It was a library (Daryl Stout).

Heart surgeons never bypass a good opportunity, but they often have a
heart to heart about giving a brain surgeon a piece of their mind.
(Mike Bull)

His new job replacing windshields wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
(Paul Benoit)

In 1901 Stockings were first sold, and there was a run on them. (Daryl Stout)

Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge. (MyStacy)

In 1934 The first greyhounds raced behind a restaurant. The biggest bet
was made by a man with a hot dog. (Daryl Stout)

Two mathematicians arguing about even numbers were at odds. (Paul Benoit)

In 1950 Hair dye was first packaged for home use. It really got to the
root of the problem. (Daryl Stout)

My buddy gave me a tip straight from the horse's mouth, but it as all
wet and slimy and disgusting and it smelled awful. (Rubin)

"I like Wagner's music better than any other music. It is so loud that
one can talk the whole time without people hearing what one says. That
is a great advantage." (Oscar Wilde)

Mummies are Egyptians that were pressed for time. (Reader's Digest)

Feeling goofy, I attempted to fit into a suitcase, but I simply couldn't
contain myself. (Douglas Helsel)

In 1925 Clothing manufacturers went on strike. They filed a double
breasted suit against the government. (Daryl Stout)

Nowadays, government employees are people who aren't ashamed of their
convictions.(Venkatesh/Very Punny)

Plastic surgeons know how to raise eyebrows. They are always practising
because they need a lot of patience. (Mike Bull)

We went to the owls convention, and it was a real hoot. (Paul Benoit)

I went into this place in Abilene Texas and said to the waitress, "I'm
so hungry, I could eat a horse." She smiled, handed me a menu and
replied, "Well... you've come to the right place." (Gag-O-Matic)

Food for bad dogs is bought by the pound (Pun of the Day)

GROANERS:

Historians have recently discovered that Annie Oakley, famed
sharpshooter of the Old West, had a sister. The sister, Carrie, gained
some renown in her day as a singer in various saloons throughout the
West, but it was not until after her death that she was very widely
known. Today, countless bars are dedicated to Carrie Oakley. (Harry Delavante)

My granddaughter is an up-and-coming dress designer, whose fashions draw
from many nationalities. Her latest creation? A combination of India's
national clothing and Polynesia's. Her name for it? She calls it her
'Sari-sarong number'! (Cynthia MacGregor)

Greta Garbo, the famous actress was considered an eccentric, and for
being a recluse, isolating herself from her fans and the world. She
once, so the story goes, sprinkled grass seed in her hair. When asked
why she performed this stunt, the elusive Swede replied, "I vant to be a
lawn."

A Jew was stranded on a desert island. When he was finally rescued, the
rescue team was surprised to see TWO synagogues. The Jew was asked why,
and he replied in surprise, "It's obvious! One I doven (pray) in, and
one I wouldn't be caught dead in."

Once upon a time a boy penguin and a girl penguin met at the equator.
After a brief but passionate interlude the boy penguin went away to the
North Pole, and the girl penguin to the South Pole. A few months later,
a telegram arrived at the North Pole, saying: "Come quick. Am with Byrd."

A distinguished professor was arrested yesterday at Bush
Intercontinental Airport in Houston, Texas while trying to board a
flight with a calculator, protractor, compass, and slide rule. The
security crew immediately searched the elderly man when they saw him
boarding with a calculator in his hand. A search of his hand bag
revealed the devices. The man was charged with carrying instruments of
math instruction. Further investigation has revealed he is a member of
the Al-Gebra terrorist network. (Gautam)

Three members of a Golf Club were arguing loudly while the Fourth member
of their group lay dead in a Bunker. A Club Official was called to calm
the row, "What's the trouble here," he asked. "My partner has had a
Stroke, and these Two bastards want to add it to my score." (Curly David)

Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become
stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing
a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the
flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water. Someone at the
station asked, "How did it go?" The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
(Douglas Helsel)

In a photography studio a society matron was looking at a new picture
she'd had taken. "Why that picture's an outrage!" she stormed. "Now I
ask you, does it look like me?" The suave photographer was flustered for
a moment, but quickly regained his composure. "Madam," he said, bowing
slightly, "the answer is in the negative." (Reader's Digest)

Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my
reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed
into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on,
however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another
chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the
driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and
your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!" (Pastor Tim)

Morris Epstein was taking an oral exam applying for his US citizenship
papers. He was asked to spell "Cultivate" .... He spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He brightened up and
said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it
vas too cultivate, so I took a taxi home." (Daily Groaner)

The woman said to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday
were meat at one end and nothing but cornmeal at the other end." The
butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is . . . it's difficult these
days to make both ends meat." (Gail S. Angel)

One day, some guys were doing a "boxers or briefs" survey. They went to
a 25 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said <briefs.They>
went to a 40 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? He said boxers.
Then they went up to a 80 year old man and asked, "Boxers or briefs? And
the old man replied, "Depends?" (Michael Rogers)

A tragedy had just happened to one of the Florida frog families. A great
blue heron had gobbled up all the baby frogs that had disobeyed their
parents and wandered off into the swamp. If they had listened to their
parents and had toad the mark, they wouldn't have croaked before their
time. (Tyler Kaus)

I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by
to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son
said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not
to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later
and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?" (A. Robeo)

My uncle was giving me the grand tour of his nice house. The bathrooms
had excessively mirrored walls and his wife preferred not to look at
herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to
place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view. Now I don't think
there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my
uncle: "You should be able to sit and reflect" (archives)

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just
can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted
them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of
marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal
asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You
know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river.
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're
sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!"
the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" (Fun
World Jokes)

My son was assigned to write a research report on a historical figure.
He spent several hours on the Internet one weekend sifting through
slow-loading sites, many of which had little pertinent information.
Once, I checked in on him and found him staring blankly at the screen.
"What's the matter?" I asked. In a tired voice, he replied, "I'm
surf-bored." (Gail S. Angel)

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach
tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the
sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the
garage whenever the temperature dropped. One warm April day Dad was
wheeling the tree out into the yard and stopped to give our dog a drink
from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusem*nt.
"Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his
tree and waters his dog!" (Cascade Express)

DEFINITIONS:

Polynomial: Don't feed the parrot. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Celtics: What tick vendors do. (Tim Breuning)

Adverse: A commercial in rhyme (Stan Kegel)

Valedictory: When the guy who parks your car is a Brit named
Richard.(Gary Hallock)

Ecstatic: Your former partner is not moving. (Phil Hudson)

Baritone: Note emanating from Sen. Goldwater, or from singer Manilow,
for example. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Caraway: Herb much flavoured by vehicle repossessors. (Tim Breuning)

Concerts: Breath mints for inmates. (Stan Kegel)

Artificial: The person in charge of the exhibit of paintings (Cynthia MacGregor).

Cargo: Green traffic light. (Tim Breuning)

Beacon: Become a jail inmate (Stan Kegel)

Triceratops: Borrow blouses from Buffy actress (Ken Pinkham)

Rhumba - An asset to music.(Douglas Helsel)

Erotic: To answer a question incorrectly by checking the wrong box on a
form. (Pun Defined)

Acrostic: An angry bloodsucking insect (Stan Kegel)

Bipolar: Farewell to the Arctic. (Tim Breuning)

Pistil whipped: What it's called when when your lovely flower of a wife
tells you to "Stay, man!" (Gary Hallock)

Allah: The entirety, as in, "Allah the sales staff made big sales
today." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Cannibal: Male cow in a can. (Tim Breuning)

Berate: The price given to the second teer of customers who do not
qualify for the A rate. (Stan Kegel)

Balderdash: Short race for guy with thin hair (Ken Pinkham)

POETRY

Grandiose words these but much space they take
Better to lose them and room for more make
Treat them unethically
Lexicographically
We can not edit and still have archaic
(Gary Hallock)

Listen up. I will give you the scoop
'Bout a white collar crime fighting troupe.
They've very dim views
Of fraud again Jews.
Swindler's List is the name of the group.
(Kirk Miller)

When I was a young lad and dandy,
I knew a young lady named Mandy,
She said "Give me a Kiss!"
And with very much bliss,
I gave her a foil-covered candy.
(Bradley Williams)

A sausage-eating
Armored soldier on horseback
It's my wurst knight mare
(Gary Hallock)

If to your teeth, you stay quite true,
They will never prove false to you.
If you fail to treat them right,
They like stars come out at night.
To share a glass with a tablet blue.
(Ken Pinkham)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"This is mutiny!" said Tom bountifully. (Jer Lynn F.)

"Ill decide which car to purchase after looking at the pictures," said
Tom autobiographically. (Stan Kegel)

"I come up with many original thoughts," said Tom ideally. (Jer Lynn F.)

I daily correct this chronicle of priisoners kept in temporary
housing, Tom remarked contentively. (Stan Kegel)

"I'm a lion hunter," said Tom, pridefully. (Jer Lynn F.)

"They are not answering the bell. I told you we should have called
ahead," said Tom adoringly. (Stan Kegel)

"Lassie wakes me like an alarm clock every morning," Tom said
dogmatically (Jer Lynn F.).

"The butchers beefed that I hammed up the presentation again," Tom
revealed. (Stan Kegel)

"I will have to sand these floors before I can varnish them," Tom said
abrasively. (Jer Lynn F.)

"I told you they'd start without us," Tom said belatedly. (Stan Kegel)

BLOOPERS, SIGNS AND HEADLINES :

Wednesday I guested on a TV show, the co-hosts of which were discussing
the movie SAVING NEMO, which they compared to a previous movie entitled
FREE WILLY. Discussing the run on clownfish at pet stores in the wake of
the current movie, one host said to the other, "I guess everyone wants
to have their own personal Willy." (Cynthia MacGregor/7-3-03)

News Director Dave Duncan of WLKW, Rhode Island was the victim of this
emergency news bulletin: "From his emergency flood headquarters at City
Hall, Mayor Friedman has just ordered all families living near or
adjacent to the Mill River to ejacul*te immediately." (Kermit Schafer)

MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING (Richard Lederer)

From the "Las Vegas offers three-play, five-play, ten-play, fifty-play,

and hundred-play video poker, but some people still aren't satisfied"
file: There was no four play so I was not feeling very turned on. (Snopes)

A hillbilly singer, Cecil Gill, was scheduled to sing, "There's An Empty
Cot in the Bunk House Tonight." The announcer fluffed "Cecil Gill, the
Yodeling Country Boy, will now sing, 'There's An Empty Bunk in the
Cathouse Tonight.'" (Kermit Schafer)

"The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone
unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for
emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a
pair of Phil Collins concert tickets to caller number 95." - a Los
Angeles radio DJ shortly after the 1990 earthquake (Robeo)

On "Name That Tune," emcee George De Witt was desperately trying to give
a young lady, who was recently married, the clue to the song title, "I
Love You." After she missed the title several times the emcee hinted,
"What did you say to your husband on your wedding night?" After a few
seconds of thought she replied, "Gosh, that's a hard one." (Kermit
Schafer)

Boxing Analyst: "Sure, there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in boxing. But none of them really that serious." (Robyn Campbell-Ouchida)

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.
We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ...
uh...setbacks." (George Bush/Richard Lederer)

Herb Rau, Miami news columnist, reported the following, which occurred
on a Channel 6, Miami, newscast: "An announcer talked about one of the
FBI's most wanted criminals and on the screen, inadvertently, we hope,
flashed a picture of Pope Paul." (Kermit Schafer)

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." (Vice President Al
Gore /Richard Lederer)

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT; "And now this tip from the American Red
Cross. In case of drowning, lay the girl ... lay the drowning victim on
her back and try mouth-to-mouth breeding ... (GULP) breathing!" (Kermit
Schafer)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

So Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble
will pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What
would you like to do with the rest of your life?" Monica said, "Well,
Dan, I have thought of going back to school." Dan said, "That is a great
idea. What would you like to be?" Monica said, "I would like to be a
doctor." Dan laughed and said, "You can never be a doctor.. You sucked
as an intern." (William Brabant)

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken
apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?"
replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was
talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off
his secretary." (Jill K.)

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the dimly
lit restaurant. "You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your
night can be on me. (William Brabant)

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. (Judy's Jokes)

"Why are you in this particular line of work?" a sociology researcher
asked the massage parlor girl. "I'm trying to pay back this loan shark
named Paul something or other," she said. "So I'm literally rubbing
peters to pay Paul."

CLinda goes to the gynecologist. "Doctor," she says, "my husband and I
have been trying for months to have a baby. I just don't know what's
wrong." With a reassuring smile the doctor said, "Lets see what we can
do about that. Why don't you just get undressed and lie down on the
table." "All right," Linda said, "but I would have preferred to have my
husband's baby." (Haust Javeri)

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The
bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood
that pays $40 for a donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man
cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" (Tiger)

Judy the blonde runs crying into the office. "Whatever is wrong?" gasps
her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend Paul the Porsche driver"
gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his 911
when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god" shrieks Carol.
"Did it amputate his whole finger!? " "No thank goodness" sniffs Judi.
"But it was the one just next to it!"

Have you heard about the woman who became a devotee of a swamiand fell
in love with the man?
She studied at the meat of her faster.(Judy's Jokes)

When the hom*osexual noticed me staring, I averted my gays. (The Big Pun)

My neighbor's daughter hollered up to her mom, The bill collector is
here. Have you got the money or do you want me to go out and play for a
while?" (Nipsey Russell)

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the
local hom*osexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in
town. The sheriff dutifully arrests the fa*g and says to him, "OK hom*o,
you got 15 minutes to blow this town!" The fa*g says, "I'll need at least
two hours." (Tiger)

A popular whor* house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a
15 year old, and the madam replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."

War Protest Sign: We shaved our pubic hair. Read our lips? No more Bush.
(Judy's Jokes)

Vickie and John had split-up a few months ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same apartment
building. One day John slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met
Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do
to help. John said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help
me take a bath?" Vickie readily agreed and soon was washing him when she
saw a gradual erection begin to appear. "Now isn't that sweet," she
cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me." (Big Daddy Cool)

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you
like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need
the information for the doctor." "It's rather embarrassing," the guy
stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but
maybe I can squeeze you in." (Bob Sachae)

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question." (Luke Davis)

if the birth rate keeps increasing there will soon be standing room
only on the earth, at which time the birth rate should stop increasing
pretty quickly.(Playboy)

Why were all the priests out prowling their neighborhoods last weekend?
Because the Supreme Court legalized sodomy last Thursday. (T. Z.)

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb. (Big Daddy Cool)

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. An elderly matron sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no
longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young
lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!" "So would I," quipped
the blonde, "but you know, there just ain't time enough during a coffee
break." (Training to Laugh)

College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in and nine months
later, you wish you'd never come.(Judy's Jokes)

Said Flo, a lady of the evening, to Dolores (another pro) : "Would you
please lend me ten dollars until I get back on my back?"(Playboy)

Mrs. Perkins was talking to her hair stylist. "It's silly," she said,
"but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" the beautician asked. "Well, I overheard her on the
phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped .she'd be
bald soon."

Billy asked his mother, "Can I go over to Little Johnnie's house and
watch the magic show?" Billy's mother replied, "Whatever do you mean,
dear?" He answered, "The one Johnny's mom performs... I heard her tell
Miss Figpot that she got $600 for doing six tricks last night. That must
be some kind of show!" (Don LoPresto)

Why is the dick called a rumor in America?
It goes from mouth to mouth.. (Big Daddy Cool)

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"
The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants. The
woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those." The man argued that the
sign stated that the store sold everything. The woman remarked that
glass pants did not even exist. The man went to his home, and came back
to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly,
"See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought
you were crazy . . . but now I see your nuts!"

Gently massaging the trick knee of his curvacious young patient, the
doctor inquired: "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like
you?"(Playboy)

What is the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?
One is a hunt on the course. (Bad Humor)